Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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