dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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