Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
