I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
