Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
