never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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