god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
