i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
