Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
