I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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