An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
