Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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