I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you still have your period?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
