I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We need to get me chipped asap
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
