You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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