you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
