I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
