I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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