it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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