I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
