If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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