woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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