just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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