and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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