im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think your dad took our porno
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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