I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
