i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
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My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
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I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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