I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
