Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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