if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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