i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
