ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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