i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
