the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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