we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
