I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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