so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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