Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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