sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
