when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
