Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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