I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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