God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I want a musical about memes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
