We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
