I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
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My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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