Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
