she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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