i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
