i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Randomize
