Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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