i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
And then he peed in my hair
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