before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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