I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
