Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
