There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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