idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The chlamydia really affected his face.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
