Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
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my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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